A Hellsing Easter
by Di-Gi Nyo
Summary: Somewhat like the last! Integral has a Easter themed bet, and Alucard can't seem to keep is mouth shut! Oh the humanity! FINALLY DONE!
1. Evil Bunnies But they're so cute!

A/N- For one reason or another, I'm making a squeal to "A Hellsing Halloween"! Yes I know the Europeans don't do Easter, it least I don't think so, for the sake of argument, lets say they did. Well, onword into the road of light! 

Oh, and I own zip, zero, nada, in this story. The characters are owned by Gonzo. So leave me alone! 

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                                    A Hellsing Easter Ch.1 "Evil bunnies… but they're so damned… _cute!    _  

           Well, after the events of the "Halloween fiasco", as dubbed by Integral, all was peaceful in the Hellsing estate…. well, except for the fact that Integral lost _every single bet that had to do with holidays to the Queen. _Not to mention, on her last visit, she "accidentally" left her photo album entailed "Integral's Embarrassments". 

            … Not to also mention, Alucard found it…

            "Master, I just love this one when you wore dressed as Baby New Year. What was that? Loss number 127?" Alucard said, holding a picture of Integral, vary well, dressed as Baby New Year. Stash and all. Needless to say, Integral was not-too-happy with it. "Well, I _would _have won, if a certain lazy vampire wouldn't "mysteriously" vanish into thin air!" Integral yelled. "Hahahaha! Hey, Master, it's April 11th, do you know where _your _stash is?" Alucard said, once again reminding Integral of the date, and the holiday associated with it. 

            "WHAT?! IT'S APRIL 11TH?! I HAVE A BET ON THIS HOILDAY WITH THE QUEEN ON THIS ONE TOO!!" Integral yelled. 

            "Oops…" 

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            Just outside Integral's office… 

            "Oh…. Crap…" Seras muttered as she heard Integral's yell. "Master, you didn't, did you?" "It appears he did. I suggest we run, Victoria." Walter said, magically appearing with suitcases at his side. "AAAHHHH! HOW'D YOU GET HERE?!" Seras exclaimed. "Don't scream Victoria, I'm right next to you. And don't ask how I got here. I don't know myself." Walter responded. "Oh, sorry. But Master reminded Integral of the holiday, again! What are we going to do?" Seras asked. 

            "I'll tell you. You're going to get the Easter decorations from the basement, and Walter is going to put fliers about an Easter Egg Hunt around the area. Got me?" Integral said as she appeared behind him. "Yes, Sir" they both said, with one thought in mind. '_I'm going to **kill** Alucard/Master…' _ 

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            At the Exorcist Depot… 

            "Hmmm. I don't know which one to go with." Father Anderson said to himself, pondering on whether to go with the "Vampire be gone" Vampire killing kit or the "Vampire be gone PRO" Vampire killing kit. But, then again, what's the difference? Father Anderson wondered to himself for some time. "Well, maybe I can help!" said a voice from the back of our (somewhat) loveable priest. "WHAT THE HELL!!! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!" Father Anderson yelled. "Well, I was stacking some 'Evil Spirits be Gone' kits, and heard your dilemma." The employee named Tom said, smiling. 

            "One question, why are you smiling like that?" Father Anderson asked. "It's procedure. The boss thinks it helps with moral. The liar." Tom said. "Anyway, what's your problem?" Tom asked. "Well, I don't know which one to go with. The 'Vampire be Gone' or the 'Vampire be Gone PRO'. And anyway, what's the difference?" Father Anderson replied. "Well the 'Vampire be Gone' has good quality, it's not the best. Now, the 'Vampire be Gone PRO' has, probably, the _best_ quality, and top-notch materials. Not to mention, all of the 'be Gone PRO' kits are on sale! So it's a bargain!" Tom said. 

            "Hmmm… I think I'll get that, just because it's on sale." Father Anderson said holding the 'Vampire be Gone PRO' kit. "Good luck with you problem!" Tom said as Father Anderson went to pay. 'Sucker! He he he!' Tom thought. 

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            "Victoria, if you see Alucard dead in the next twenty four hours, I didn't do it." Walter said. "Um, okay… I'll go get the eggs… now…" Seras said, freighted. "Oh, sure! Leave me with the hard job! It's not enough I do everything around here!" Walter exclaimed angrily. 'Well, it's not like I'm going to actually by the eggs. I'm going to steal them. It's just easier!' Seras thought evilly as she went outside to get eggs for 'free'. 

            Walter sat down in his favorite chair, in front of a roaring fire. 'Strange. I could have sworn I was in a hallway… oh well…' Walter thought as he pulled out a notepad and a pen. And started to think as what to say for the filer. 

            2,794 crimpled pieces of paper and three hours later… 

            "Yes! I've got it! The perfect flier!" Walter exclaimed. The flier read like this: 

**Come one! Come all!**

**Come to the Hellsing Easter Egg Hunt!**

**Food! Fun! A surprise in every egg!**

**So come on down! (Please?)**

**We're not hard to miss! **

**We are the creepy castle… yeah that one…**  

            "Well it may not be perfect… but I don't care! I'm going to the Bahamas and leaving! I'm not having any part of this dare whatsoever!" Walter exclaimed. "Oh, no your not, Walter. You have to make copies of those fliers." Integral said creepily and suddenly behind Walter. "Yes sir…" Walter said. "Good. I'll be getting that lazy vampire that goes by the name, Alucard. He'll be distributing the fliers. You're going to help him. Got me?" Integral said. "I understand Sir." Walter muttered underneath his breath. 

            "I hate Alucard…" Walter said to himself when Integral was gone. 

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            'Note to self, check the date before making a joke on Master. It will save a lot of trouble in the long run…' Alucard thought as he lay in his coffin… hiding… from Integral. Suddenly, there was a knock on the top of the coffin. 

            "I'm sorry, but Alucard is not here!"  

            *Knock, knock, knock*

            "The vampire you are looking for is not here! Can I leave a message?" 

            "Alucard I know you're in there! So get your ass out, NOW!" Integral yelled. 

            "¡No habla ìngles!" Alucard said. 

            "I've got silver bullets, and I'm not afraid to use them!" Integral threatened. 

            "Fine! You win! What meaningless job do you want me to do, oh ruler of the universe?" Alucard asked. "Don't take that sarcastic voice with me! And you are to help Walter distribute fliers to the bast- I-I mean children." Integral said. "I have a sinking feeling we've had this conversation, or something like it before." Alucard said. "And I don't care. You have a job. Now go do it!" Integral yelled. 

            "Bitch…" Alucard muttered.

            "I heard that!" 

            "Yeah, yeah whatever…"  

~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~

            "Oh, wow! That community center is having an egg hunt! I think I'll just take there eggs. I'm _sure_ they won't mind if I take _them all_… he he he! MWH HA HA HA!" Seras "thought" 

            "Mama, why is that weird lady laughing mechanically like that?" a kid asked. "Don't look at the crazies dear." The kid's mom responded. 'AGH! CRAZY?! I'LL SHOW THEM! ...after Easter. Sir is scary enough, now… 

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"Oh! The Vampire BE GONE PRO! That's a great choice!" said the casher. "Could you speed this up? I'm in a hurry." Father Anderson said as he handed the amount of 23.99, grabbed the kit, and left. 

           "Yeah, have a nice day." The casher said watching the cloud of dust that was  Father Anderson. "Wait, did he scan it? No, he didn't, but he paid. But what do priests want with those things anyway? Can't they just purify the thing? Oh well…" the caser said. "Next!"

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            Somewhere in the fields of happiness… 

            "Bunnies! Rabbits! Lend me your floppy ears! It's finally here! The day we've been waiting for! The day we take over this planet! It's Easter!" The General Rabbit yelled to a cheering crowed of bunnies. "Sir, this is bad! Our reports show a crazy girl stealing the eggs!" said Lt. Bunny. "What?! SHE'S TAKING THE SPY CAMERAS!? THIS HAS TO BE STOPPED!" yelled the general. "That's not all. Look at this." The Lt. said as he handed the flier. "Bunnies, in order for us to have world domination, we must get rid of obstacles! There is one standing in the way. Bunnies, our first stop is to the Hellsing Manner!"  

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A/N- Yeah, I know, it's crap. If possible, worst then the last! Don't bother reviewing. Just don't…                                          

       


	2. Alucard's Revenge

A/N- Hello and welcome to chapter two of "A Hellsing Easter"! I hope you like this P.O.C. (Piece of crap). I apologize for the time on reading it… one more thing; you may not get some of the jokes if you haven't read, A Hellsing Halloween.  

I don't own anything… so don't ask for anything… 

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A Hellsing Easter Ch. 2, Alucard's Revenge  

            Out in the London Park… 

            "All right" Walter stated, "Here's half the stack. Just give them to all the kids you see." "Walter, you _know _I had a bad experience with kids, remember?" Alucard said. "And whose fault was that, Hmm? We could have avoided all of this, _but noooo_ someone had to remind her of the date again!" Walter yelled. "Now, I'm starting in the north side. You, start here." Walter said. 

            'Damn kids. I hate them…' Alucard thought as he gave random kids the fliers. 'I remember him…' on kid thought. 'It's the bastered!' another kid thought. 

            "Here. Take a flier. Wait a minute… _I KNOW YOU!!! YOU'RE THAT PUNK-ASS KID WITH THE PROSTITUTING MOM!_" Alucard yelled. "_AND YOU'RE THAT BASTERED FROM HALLOWEEN!" _The kid yelled."Gimmie **MY **candy, NOW!" The brat kid yelled. "Still a brat, huh? Well, you didn't say 'Trick of Treat', so nothing for you!" Alucard yelled back.  "I'll get you for that! KIDS OF THE PARK, GATHER! IT'S THE ASSHOLE FROM HALLOWEEN! LET'S ALL KICK HIM IN THE SHIN!!!" The kid yelled. 

            "Damn…" 

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            At the other end of London Park… 

            "He's here! The evil man from Halloween! Let's punish him more! The evil ass!' a kid said. "When did all of these kids start cussing? It's unnerving…" Walter said to himself. 'They said something about the evil msn from Halloween… wait a minute… evil man… Halloween… Alucard you didn't…' Walter thought. 

            "He better not have. I'm not charring him back to the manner…" 

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            In some _other _egg hunt… 

            "So many colors! I don't know what to choose! Should I get the red ones? The blue ones? The green ones? Yellow ones? Which ones?" Seras said to herself. 'Of course! All of them! Why choose?' Seras thought as she stared at a huge basket full of colored eggs, waiting to be hidden. 

            "Damn, I hate Easter. Nosey kids, and too much chocolate to give you diabetes! Why are we even doing this hunt anyway?" The man with the basket said. (A/N- or M.W.B. for short.) "Well, I can take them off your hands." Seras said from behind. "Na, that's fine. The kids already paid." Said M.W.B "I said, '**I'll take them off your hands**' so I'll take them!" Seras yelled, showing her fangs… "accidentally", of course. 

            "Vampire! Here! Take them!!" The M.W.B yelled. "Thank you" Seras said while thinking, 'Wow, after all these months, Op. R.E.A.L.F.A.N.G. still works!' Seras thought as she went back to the manner. 

            "Wait, their was a article about a girl going around the streets stealing candy… with fake fangs… that was her wasn't it… and she took the eggs on Easter… oh, fuck it. I didn't like Easter anyway." The M.W.B said to himself.

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            "ALUCARD! GET OUT HERE! WE HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE!" Father Anderson yelled from behind the gate. "Can I help you?" Integral said, on the other side of the gate, about to shoot a sign for not going into the dirt. (Or soil, if you prefer.) "Yeah… I need to kill Alucard. Could you just point where he is?" Anderson asked. "He stepped. But you can help me decorate. There's a few signs that need to go up." Integral said. 

            'Hell. No. After Halloween, I refuse to help with any type of holiday type… thing…' Father Anderson thought as he said, "I'm going to have to pass. I'll come back later." Father Anderson said.

…Then Integral pointed her gun at him in a kill shot.

"It wasn't a choice. It was a command. So get in here, and _get to work!_"  Integral said. 'Damn me and my luck…'

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            'So, here we are solders! This is where we separate the rabbits from the bunnies. Everyone got there guns?" The General Rabbit Said as every bunny nodded. "Good. Now we wait." The General said.  
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            When we last left Alucard, the kids wore ganging up on him to kick him on the shin. But when they went to kick him… 

            "It hurts!" "My foot! I think it's broken!" All this as the kids yelled in pain, with Alucard laughing mechanically. "I knew wearing a metal shin guard would come in handy!" Alucard exclaimed. "YOU CHEATING BASTERD!" The kid yelled. "And damn proud of it!" Alucard yelled. The kids, of course, hadn't learned there lesson as they began to kick him again.

            … Let's just say, a lot of them will be going to school with bandages around there legs… and Alucard's mechanical laughter hunting them…

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            Walter had passed out his last flier, when limping kids walked passed him. "Hey! Kid! Why are you limping?" Walter asked. "You're with _him_ aren't you? Your asshole of a friend cheated, that's what!" The kid yelled. "How did he 'cheat'?" Walter asked. "He wasn't supposed to be wearing a shin guard! A metal one at that!" The kid yelled as he stormed of… as best as he could… 

            "I guess there not coming to the egg hunt…" Walter said to himself as he watched the kids walk… err… limp away… 

            "… That's it! As of now, I'm on a vacation!" Walter exclaimed as he pulled out his cell phone. "Hello? Yes, I'd like a ticket to the Bahamas. Both ways please. Name? Walter, and that's all you need to know. When? Right now. Thank you." Walter said as he hung up. "Now to leave until Easter is over." Walter said as his things magically appeared.

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            Alucard came up to where Walter was _supposedly_, only to find a note, which read:

Left to the Bahamas

Coming back after Easter

-Walter

P.S. - This is _all your fault!!_

            "Damn him…"

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            "Bunnies! There she is! ATTACK!!!" The General Bunny yelled as the rabbits charged at Seras as she came though the gate. "Huh? Oh look at the cute bunnies with the machine guns! Oh well, they have to die!" Seras said as she pulled out her Halconnen as the bunnies started shooting for there "cameras" (You know, the eggs).

            …After that, it was gorilla Vampire/ Bunny warfare…

            Integral, who was putting up Easter decorations and barking orders at Father Anderson and yelling at him for his "stupidity", saw the battle of Seras and fluffy, pink adorably cute bunnies, which, by the way, made her sick to look at. "She had just better have gotten the eggs…" Integral said to herself as she began to pound the sign for the Easter Egg Hunt…

            … when a "bullet" landed in front of her…

            Integral then inspected it, to find it to be a piece of candy… 

            'This can't hurt me…" Integral thought as she put the candy in her mouth…

            … Then a crazed expression was on her face…

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A/N- Sorry this is late… really late… Anyway, those who saw A Hellsing Halloween… I think you know what's about to happen…  don't review, tis' crap…                    

                                            


	3. The rebirth of Extra sugar in Coffee Lov...

A/N- Hello! I see people are still interested in this trash! Wow! Well, Integral's done it again! Let's see what happens!

Oh, and no own-y Hellsing, you may go and try steal it from Gonzo though… 

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            A Hellsing Easter- The rebirth of "Extra sugar in Coffee Lover Hyper Integral" 

            Alucard came up the driveway of the Hellsing manner, whistling a happy tune. Which, if you think about it, is rather strange, considering this _is_ the king of the undead here. "Oh, I kicked those kids's ass, good!" he sang badly. "AHHH! WHAT'S THAT HARRIBLE SOUND???!!!" yelled a random grad. "SHUT UP!" Alucard yelled back. "Everyone's a critic!" 

            Then Alucard saw something that will forever haunt him…

            Something he never wanted to see…

            … Well, since Halloween, anyway…

            … It was…

            "I'M DANCEIN' LIKE A MONKEY!!!" screeched a vary sugar high Integral, dressed like a monkey. "What the hell…?" Alucard said to himself. "What the hell indeed? Who the hell gave her sugar?" said another voice behind Alucard. "WALTER? I thought you'd be half way to the Bahamas by now!" Alucard said. "They lost my plane ticket…" Walter said. "And what is Seras doing with those rabbits?" Walter asked as he saw the "war" between the bunnies and Seras. "That's the least of the problems we have. Right now, Master has disappeared." Alucard said as a loud howl of pain was heard.

            "Um, what was that?" Walter asked. "It sounded like a really pathetic priest." Alucard said as another howl of pain was heard, along with a mechanical laughter. "Correction, a really pathetic priest who got in the way of Master, and now has a wedge; the Atomic kind." Alucard replied. "Oh. Hungry?" Walter asked. "Well, I _could_ go for an A type blood pack…" Alucard said thoughtfully as he and Walter went inside for something to eat. 

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            Where the Blood Hounds wore… 

            "OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            "Grrr, arf arf ROUF!" Went a dog

(Translation- You wannabe Blood Hound!)

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            With Integral and the unfortunate priest…

           "GET HER OFF ME! GET HER OFF ME!" Father Anderson yelled as he ran in circles, trying to throw Integral off. "GET OFF ME YOU CRAZY LADY!!" Father Anderson screamed. "OOoooo, I know you! Your Mr. Five O'clock shadow man! I'll make you happy!" Integral said as she pulled a bag of sugar from no where, and attempted to pour it into Father Anderson's mouth. "SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR!" Integral said. 

            With Seras, and the bunnies… 

            The battle was verse, bunny corpuses lay on the "battlefield" as the bunnies tried to fight back an evil laughing Seras. 'This is bad… we're losing! Should I call a trice? Should I stop?' the General thought, and then looked at Seras. 'Not even if she was the last insane vampire on God's green Earth! We need those cameras!'

            Seras was just having the time of her immortal life. "MHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID BUNNIES!" she yelled as she saw the monkey suit on Integral. "Now way! I burned that damn suit! I still have the remands!" Seras yelled. She then looked at the bunnies and said, "Goodbye, you damn rodents!" as she pulled a hand grenade from her pocket, and heaved it to the bunnies. And when it went off, she took the eggs and ran after Integral.

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            "Hey Walter! Can you hide these? I have a monkey suit to burn!" Seras said as she gave the eggs to Walter and ran off… to… well, who knows where.

            "Well, better hide these things, hunt starts in an hour." Walter said as he picked up the heavy basket. "Have fun." Alucard said as Walter began to walk out of the room. "Oh, and Alucard, don't take the blood with any dates after April 1st, they've expired." Walter said. "And if I do?" Alucard asked. "Trust me, you don't want to know…" Walter said as he walked out. 

            'Hump. _You don't want to know_. I'm a Vampire damn it! I have a fucking to know!' Alucard thought as he _deliberately _got an A type with the following statement: 

Best used by: September 13th 

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            Walter walked outside, where he saw the result of war. Bunny bodies wore everywhere. Some limbs wore ripped from the bodies. Some wore screaming in agony as the blood poured out of the wounds, and heads detached from bodies. "I don't even want to know." Walter murmured to himself as a sweatdrop formed on his head. 

            As Walter walked farther, he saw Father Anderson, who had managed to get Integral away from him, was trying to escape. 'Oh, no. If I couldn't get to the Bahamas, he's not going anywhere!' Walter thought as he grabbed the collar of Father Anderson's coat.

            "And where do you think _your_ going?" Walter asked. "Home. I should have learned my lesson at Halloween. Because I didn't, I have this wedge, and it's not a pleasant feeling." Father Anderson said. "Well, you didn't. So now, your going to help me hide eggs. Now get to work." Walter said. "Damn it…"

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In some hallway…

"Come over here Integral, I don't hurt…" Seras said quietly as Integral hung upside down from the chandelier. "NO! I WILL NO BE TAKEN DOWN BY THE MAN!" Integral yelled as she kicked a window opened, (Yes, from the chandelier…) and swung out of said window, laughing all the way to the ground. 

"SHIT!" Seras yelled as she ran to the broken window, only to see Integral running down the street, yelling "I'M A PRETTY LADY!" and "I AM WOMAN, HERE ME MEOW!" as she disappeared. 

"Well, what damage could a sugar high Integral do?" Seras said to herself. 'Do you really want to know?' said the voice in Seras's head. "… I'll just go and steal more eggs…. That's right… more eggs." She concluded. 'Thata girl. Remember to steal and burn that damn monkey costume.' The voice said. "Yeah! Hey, I got a question." 'Yeah?' "Where did you come from?" 'Remember that FREAK incident in August?' "Yeah…?" 'Well, when you destroyed my body, I went into your head, and here I am.' "Wow, lesion, I'm sorry about that." 'No biggie, I mean, I hate the Girl Scouts too! Now we have eggs to steal and a certain monkey suit to burn!'

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Alucard was staring at the "bad blood", questioningly. 'What could this do, beside taste really nasty?' he thought. 'It looks fine… unless…' Alucard thought as he turned towed the wall, to see a flashback.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback thing!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"Walter, never give the lazy vampire and the police girl any expired blood." Integral said. "How come, Sir?" Walter asked. "Something happens to the blood, which, if the vampire drinks it, it makes them extremely hyper." Integral said. "You don't want any type of reminder of the whole Halloween thing, right? That's why you're saying this, right?" Walter said. "No, that was based on a study, and if I hear that Halloween thing out of your mouth again, you'll have a bullet so far up your ass, surgery won't you."_

_"Yes, Sir…"_

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            "So that's where I hared that! Well, can't believe them, till I get my own results!" Alucard yelled as he opened the packet. "Down the hatch!" Alucard said as he drank the expired blood…

…Then a crazy (er then usual) smile came on his mouth….

… along with a mechanical laugher…

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Outside, where the hunt will be…

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Alucard, I _told _you not to drink the expired blood! Now _your _hyper!" Walter said. "What?! That damned vampire's hyper?! The world is going to END!!!" Father Anderson cried. 

"…Oh well, want to get some coffee?" Father Anderson asked. "Sure………Trainee" Walter said.

"Trainee?! Again?!"

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A/N- I'm sorry of the time wasted. It was crap. Please forgive me. Don't review… this story is crap…                                                 

                            


	4. Sailor Integral!

A/N- Well, updates for this should be more frequent, because now that it's May… I want to finish this once and for all! I'll try to finish this by next week or so. So wish me luck!

insert public apology for crap-tastic story here

Inset declaimer of not owning Hellsing, and it belonging to Gonzo, here 

A Hellsing Easter, Ch 4 "Sailor Integral!" 

Walter and Father Anderson wore going to a café, near Big Ben, of as the kids call it, "That really big clock". Apparently, the currently sugar high Integral saw them leaving… and followed them. According to Walter, it wasn't a pretty picture. 

"OOOoooooHHHHhhhh…. What's this?" Integral said as she stared at Walter's tea cup. "It's Herbal Tea… I'm going to need it…" Walter said as he thought, 'Especially with you _and _Alucard hyper. Why me, God? Why me?' "And what's this?" Integral said as she sniffed the black coffee like a puppy would. "The only thing keeping me sane." 

Integral just looked at them, a crazed smile on her face… then…

"TEA AND COFFEE EVIL!! SUGAR GOOD!!!" Integral yelled as she snatched the cups and spilled the tea in Walter's head, and the coffee on Father Anderson's head. "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Integral yelled as she ran out of the café. 

Walter and Father Anderson stared for a while at each other, before, they started to scream. "AAAAAHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!!" Walter screamed. "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!!.... AGAIN!!!!!!" Father Anderson yelled. "Trainee, it's time we reawaked it!" Walter exclaimed. "Reawaken what? And would you stop calling me 'Trainee'? It's stupid…" Father Anderson said. "No, I won't, and reawaken Operation S.H.A.I.A.A.O.D.!" Walter exclaimed as horns played in the background. "You know, no one's going to believe you or that music…" Father Anderson said, pointing to several trumpet players behind Walter. "Really?" Walter asked. 

"Um, we still get paid, right?" One of the trumpet players asked. At this, Walter brought out his metal wires, and killed him. "Well, let's go, Trainee. We have lots of work to do." Walter said, as Father Anderson stared at the now bloody trumpet. "Hump, 'Trainee'. I'll show HIM!" Father Anderson muttered to himself as he followed him out the café. 

* * *

Integral was, currently hanging off the trees in the Hellsing Manor, when a hyper vampire came into the seen. "HI MR.RED ONE! WANNA BE MY FRIEND! YOU KNOW SUGAR'S A GREAT THING! I'M SAILOR MOON!!!!" A vary hyper and _random _Integral yelled. "REALLY??!! I LOVE SUGAR! IT'S GREAT!! I AM **TEXEDO MASK!!!!**" The hyper vampire known as Alucard said. 

Just then, a Girl Scout from the UK branch came up. (A/N- I don't think they have that…) "Hello Miss, and creepy sir, would you like some…" the scout said, as she was cut of with the scream of… "CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!" 

And then, Integral and Alucard attacked the defenseless Girl Scout in the name of glory, respect, and mostly "CHOCOLATE!!!"

… yes, chocolate…

* * *

Seras was in a bush, hiding some eggs, and talking to that "Fake Vampire" about there hatred for monkey suits. 'You see, the best way to burn it, is to start by the tail. Make's for a nice show!' The ghoul, who clams his name is Donald, told Seras. "Well, I always thought, if you burn it from the ears, it would be best." She replied. 

'Hey, got a question. When is this hunt supposed to start?' Donald asked. "In half in hour… shit! I'm still not done hiding these things!!" Seras exclaimed. "Sorry can't talk right now; I have to hide these things, like a bat outta hell!" Seras yelled. 'What happened to the chick with the glasses, and the basterd vampire?' asked Donald. "You mean Sir and Master? They're pretending to be characters from a Japanese cartoon called Sailor Moon." 

'…. And you know of this because…?' 

"I went to Japan a while ago, and they wore playing it on T.V."

'…And they know if it because…?'

"They don't. They're just hyper."

'Oh… and another question, wasn't that Walter person hiding these eggs?'

"He said something about tea…"

'Oh…' 

* * *

"Well, Trainee, it's been seven months since we had to do this, but it's time." Walter said. "Yeah, that's nice in all, but would you _stop_ calling me 'Trainee'?" Father Anderson asked. "It's idiotic…" "Um, let me think for a minute… NO! Now, **_Trainee_**, do you have your butterfly nets?" Walter asked. "Yes, **_old man_**" Father Anderson retaliated. "Good. And for that 'old man' comment, you get to fill the bags with sand! Now get to work!"

"Damn that old man! What the hell is his problem anyway? I'M NOT A TRAINEE!! God damn it, I'm a priest not a military officer!" Father Anderson complained to himself. "For complaining about your punishment, you have to dance like a ballerina!" Walter exclaimed. "Where the hell are you getting these things from?" Father Anderson asked angrily. "I saw someone doing it, so I thought I'd try!" Walter said. 

"…And that is…?"

"The Punishment Game!"

"How…. Satisfying…"

* * *

"Well, kids, it's time for our justly revenge… on that basterd!" The K.W.P.M (or Kid With Prostituting Mom) shouted to a crowed of kids, though most in wheelchairs. "First we'll play along with there little 'egg hunt' and when that red buffoon isn't looking, we attack!" The K.W.P.M said "They're never see it coming!!" he shouted 

"But what are we suppose to do until then? The hunt doesn't start for another fifteen minutes." one kid said. "Well…I guess we could go to the arcade… they did get the new DDR mix…" The kid said. 

"YEAH!!!! DDR!!!" (AN- I would like to take this time to say, I don't own DDR, Konami does.) 

* * *

Integral and Alucard wore running around the manner toughing sugar around with shoulder pads to lunch a rocket ship from. They wore also flailing there arms to try and fly, hence the sugar. 

Seras was watching from a safe distance the insanity of there outfits. '…we need to burn those and the monkey suit' Donald told Seras. "Agreed."

Also, at that moment, Father Anderson and Walter came and saw, in Father Anderson's words, "The two dancing idiots." If you're wondering, they wore armed with an assortment of butterfly nets, paper fans, stones, and left-over Easter eggs. The words, "**_Operation: S.H.A.I.A.A.O.D._**" embroiled on they're arms. 

"Look Mr. Red! We have guests! Let's sing to them!" Integral yelled/exclaimed. "Yay! Friends! We need to sing to them!!!" Alucard exclaimed as they pulled out microphones from… somewhere… and got ready to sing…

"SOMEONE! ANYONE! HELP US!!!" Seras yelled as Alucard and Integral tied everyone, including themselves…, to trees…

Poor trees…

* * *

A/N- I'm just going to leave it at that… Yes, Integral and Alucard are going to sing… please don't ask. Don't review either. This defines 'crap'…. ****


	5. Sore wa ai ja nai

A/N- Sorry about this being late. (That is, if anyone is still reading this…) One more chapter left after this… That light is almost there.

No own-y Hellsing, GONZO does.

A Hellsing Easter, Ch.5 "Sore wa ai ja nai…"

As soon as Seras screamed for help, birds flew away. They most have known of the fate of the Vampire, Commanding Butler, and Embarrassed Priest. For they were still tied up in the trees, and Integral and Alucard had got the volume to the maximum.

"3! 2! 1!" Integral shouted as she and Alucard began to sing extremely off key. (A/N- I would like to take this time to say I do not own this song)

"Sore wa ai ja nai.........

Ai wa sore ja nai.........

Ai shite 'ru kedo ai sarete wa inai........."

"I didn't know they knew Japanese…" Seras said, thoughtfully. "They don't, Victoria. It's called 'Hyperisum'. Get used to it" Walter said. "Well, I don't! Why didn't I check the date? Why am I here? Why did I come? Why is the meaning of life, '42'? Why isn't someone answering me? When are those kids coming for the hunt? Huh?" Father Anderson yelled in a rant.

"You didn't check the date because you're like me, a Trainee. You're here because Master and Sir tied you to the tree. You came to challenge Master to a Dual to the Death/Un-death. The reason the meaning of life is 42 has yet to be explained. I'm answering you right now. They're coming in 15 minutes. Wha?" Seras said.

"Kesshite ai ja nai.........

Ketsu wa ai ja nai.........

Ai shite 'ru kedo motometari wa shinai........."

"Okay, they're still singing. Should we start to scream?" Walter asked. "Yeah, sure." Seras said. "Why not? I need the lung exercise when I have to preach." Father Anderson said. "Okay on the count of three, we scream. Agreed?" Seras said. "Agreed." Walter and Father Anderson said.

"One…"

"Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi

Wakime mo furazu Tada hitasura ni

Damashite sukashite yoko-hairi

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite"

"Two…"

"Tonzura koite! Tonzura koite! Tonzura koite!

Tonzura koite! Tonzura koite! Tonzura koite

Tonzura koite!"

"THREE!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" "MAKE IT STOP!!!" Father Anderson yelled. "HELP US!!!" Seras yelled. "SEND FOR HELP!!! PLEASE!!!" Walter screamed

"That sounded like screams of terror" a kid said. "Must be time for the hunt." Another kid replied. "Well, we better get going then. We gotta get our revenge on that good for nothing vampire." Said K.W.P.M "So we pretend to hunt for eggs, and when he's not looking, we attack! I mean, he _can't _be wearing metal guards everywhere…" he said thoughtfully.

"Uh, boss, if we're goanna make it on time, we gotta leave now." said the right hand. "Who wants revenge?!" K.W.P.M. said "We do!!!" The kids of the arcade shouted as they marched out of the arcade, into destinations unknown. "Hey, you, that was cheesy." The K.W.P.M. said to the narrator of the group. "Sorry boss. Won't happen again." To the Hellsing Manor. "Better…"

* * *

Father Anderson, Walter, and Seras finally got out of the rope, and tied Integral and Alucard to the trees. "Alright Trainees…" Walter started. "Um, it's singular, Trainee. I have to go; it's five minutes before the hunt. You know how kids get." Seras said. "Right, you're a brave Military person, Victoria." Walter said. "Yeah… right…" Seras said as she walked away. "Have fun!" Walter said.

"No! You can't leave me with that loony bin!!" Father Anderson yelled as he pointed to Walter. "Because you called me a loony bin, you have to dress as the Easter Bunny!!"

"Why me?"

"Because you opened your mouth!!"

* * *

Seras was currently handing baskets to the kids. But, for some reason, they were…_glaring _at here. "Welcome to the Hellsing Easter hunt! Please note that all of the eggs are blue, but if you get a red one, you get a prize! Find it quick because there is only one! Begin!" Seras said as the kids started to run.

"It's not the basterd, it's the nice one!" A kid said. "This sets back our plan, but we'll find him!"

'I wished he had more colors…'

"Me too…"

* * *

Integral and Alucard were still tied to the tree, waiting their punishment. "Trainee, aim and FIRE!!!" Walter said. "I'll show you… Basterd… "Father Anderson said to himself as he though the pebbles to Integral and Alucard's head.

"MOONSHINE!!!!"

A/N-I'm sorry for its shortness… and it's crappy-ness. Please don't review…


	6. London, we have a problem

A/N-Yeah, I know, I lied, and I'm sorry. My sister never gave me the compy. Well, it's last installment time, YAY!

Standard disclaimer applies… no own Hellsing…

* * *

A Hellsing Easter Ch 6, "London, we have a problem…"

Walter and 'Bunny' Anderson were standing over a now drooling and unconscious Integral and Alucard. "Can I _please_ get out of this suit?" Anderson asked. "Do you here that, Trainee? The kids are coming. We must hide… no… _I_ must hide the bodies. But since you're dressed for the occasion, you'll be the Hellsing Official Easter Bunny!! Now, get to work!" Walter said as he pushed Father Anderson in the path of the kids.

"Make sure to be cherry! Have fun!" Walter said as he carried the unconscious bodies of Integral and Alucard and sped off. "I'll get you for this, you old man. One way or the other, I'll get you for this…" Father Anderson said to himself. He, for one reason or the other, didn't notice the kids standing in front of him.

"Hey, Priest bunny boy, you crazy? You're talking to yourself." Said the K.W.P.M. "Have youbeen here while I was talking to myself?" Father Anderson asked. "Yeah, we have crazy. Oh, have you seen a vampire, about the same height as you, goofy looking red hat, goofy looking red coat, and goofy looking orange sun glasses. Seen him anywhere?" the K.W.P.M. asked. "Yeah… He went thata way" Father Anderson said as he pointed behind himself. "Thanks. Kids, we have him located!!! ATTACK!!!!" the K.W.P.M. yelled as the kids charged and ran around Father Anderson. Father Anderson just stayed still while thinking, 'This place brings in the weirdest people on Earth…'

* * *

"I wonder why they were glaring at me…" Seras wondered. 'I think it had to do that Alucard' Donald said. "With Master? Why?" Seras asked. 'They want his blood.' Donald replied. "Oh… they never got over Halloween, did they? …I WAS SOPPOST TO TALLY THEM!" Seras yelled. 'There were precisely five hundred, eighty-seven kids'

"Did you make that up?"

'I counted…'

"Oh, thanks."

'Don't worry about it. We share a body.'

"Your right."

'Did you know your breast grew 10 centimeters?'

"Damn pervert…"

'Not my fault I'm a man.'

"…… what's this" Seras asked as she pulled out an egg from her pocket.

'That would be the only red egg.'

"Oh…" Seras said as though the egg into a bush.

"No one saw a thing."

'Got it'

* * *

"Ow… What happened?" Alucard asked. "You didn't lesion and drank the bad blood. You were hyper." Walter said, "and you might want to just go to your coffin, they're here." Walter finished. "Oh… See ya tomorrow." Alucard said as he ran out the door. 'Great… now I have to carry the Sir…' Walter thought as he picked up Integral.

'… I should have gone to the Bahamas, but _no_ they _had _to lose my ticket! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM TO HELL!!'

* * *

"Boss, we can't find him." Said a kid. "Well, keep looking!" said K.W.P.M. "Why are we doing this? He didn't do anything _this year_, yet." Said a girl as she pulled out the red egg. "I WON! I WON!" the girl shouted.

"We have a winner! Let me get your prize!" Seras shouted, magically appearing out of thin air. She ran into the manner looking for something un-useful.

"You're still here?" Seras asked Father Anderson. "What's it to ya?" Father Anderson asked back. **_Well he's not needed here! He'll be the prize! _**With that thought, she throw him over her shoulders, and walked outside. "Where are you taking me?! Put me down! Now!" Father Anderson yelled. "Nope, sorry, someone won the hunt, and you're the most useless thing here! Gotta give her something!"

Seras walked outside, with a squmming Father Anderson, and a laughing Donald. "And for winning, you get a bunny priest servant!" Seras yelled. "Yay! I always wanted one! Thank you lady!" the girl said joyfully as she turned to Father Anderson. "Are you useful?" she asked cruelfully. "I'm not going with that brat. Period." Father Anderson said to Seras. "Oh, yes you are!" The little girl yelled as she put a collar on Father Anderson. "Now let's go! _You_ have a room to clean!" said the girl as she dragged Father Anderson by the leash.

"Where is the basterd you call Alucard?" asked the K.W.P.M. "I, honesty, do not know. The last I knew, he was dragged off somewhere." Seras said. "GODDAMN IT! WE CAME ALL THIS WAY FOR REVENGE, AND HE'S NOT EVEN HERE!!" shouted the K.W.P.M Then just like that, they all left. "You can leave now, Victoria. The queen is coming to see who won the bet. Do you have the tally sheet?" Walter asked as Seras gave him the tally sheet.

"Go tell Alucard the kids are gone." Walter said. "Where is he?" Seras asked. "In his coffin"

"Oh, okay…"

* * *

"What am I doing here?" Integral asked herself as she woke up in the bathroom. "My head hurts." "Sir, the queen is coming to see who won. I thought I should tell you before I got Master." Seras said as she fazed though the wall.

"Damn…" Integral said as she got up from the bathtub, and walked out the door.

…Completely ignoring the fact that her clothes were soaked… 

* * *

"Master, the kids are gone. You can come out now." Seras said. "Good! I hate them! Police Girl, if you ever have kids, I will personally kill you!" Alucard yelled. "Okay. And the queen is coming!" Seras said. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." Alucard said as he got up and walked away. "Now to get that monkey suit…" 

* * *

An old, old, old, _really _old woman came out of the limo that had pulled up. Integral, in her wet suit was standing as straight as possible with the tally sheet. "Let's get this over, Queeny." Integral said. "Yes, let's get your loss over as possible. I do have such a nice bunny costume for you." The Queen said. Then they handed the tally sheets to the Queen's butler. The Butler then turned around and counted the tallies. 

"The winner of the bet is…" 

Suspense… 

Nervousness… 

Nail biting… 

"Can you hurry up? I'm out of cards." Seras said. "Oh, right the winner is Integral." The butler said. "WHAT??!!" The Queen yelled. "That was the sound of you losing!" Integral said. "Now put the costume on. I've waited much too long for this!" Integral finished as she pulled out a camera form nowhere. 

Needless to say, the Queen was red faced when the picture was taken… 

* * *

Epilogue... 

"HELP ME FOR THIS CRAZY GIRL!!!" 

"Come on Anderson-bunny, or we'll be late for the tea party!" 

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP ME!!" 

* * *

No, not that epilogue, this one... 

"Extra, extra! Read all about it! The Queen of England has banned all betting in the country! No more wagering! Extra, extra! Read all about it!" 

* * *

Experiment of "A Hellsing Halloween/Easter" 

Today's experiment………….Failed 

……Alright, some success… 

Please **_do not _**review… 


End file.
